On a call last Tuesday, we were invited to reflect on two questions. “What has your life been oriented around?” and “What’s the deep yearning within you about why you’re here?” These evoked powerful (and somewhat sobering) realizations within me. I recognized that while my life over the last many years had been oriented around my roles of mother of three, wife in my former marriage, daughter of aging parents, friend to many, even a form of being a perpetual student, that in a way, all of these were a type of cover for the deeper truth.
The deeper truth was I was occupying myself in many wonderful activities that I loved, as a way of avoiding stepping powerfully into my own life. Ironically, I had been side-stepping responding to the calling I have for some time been aware of – to show up authentically and unapologetically me, and to hone my leadership capacities, nurturing the development of caring communities grounded in respect and appreciation of difference where we are all called into the fullest expression of who we are.
Last Wednesday, I was on another call with my teacher Katherine Woodward Thomas exploring possibility for coaching in a course starting this week. I was excited to hear the way she and her teaching partner Claire Zammit are pioneering new platforms and possibilities for supporting the evolution of consciousness in our world! This is a community in which I feel such deep resonance.
That night I had a dream. I was in another country, travelling with my two sons (now 29 and 32, but in the dream they were about 4 and 7.) We were at a train station, and I was carrying my big red suitcase packed with clothes. We went down to the platform we thought our train was arriving on – it was the wrong train. While waiting for the right train, the boys were happily (and apparently safely) playing around and exploring. I went upstairs with my suitcase (to a room that was in my brother’s house) to change my clothes. I didn’t feel ‘ready’. I was trying on different things to figure out what to wear! I could feel the time getting close, and yet I couldn’t seem to get myself together to leave. In that period, the train arrived and left without us, and I knew it. I woke as the boys were coming up to me to tell me we’d missed the train, and I then had to figure out another way to get where we wanted to go.
Thursday morning I woke with clarity about the dream – I will no longer allow my ‘baggage’ and sense of not being ready to get in the way of going on the journey of my life. Combining the young masculine energy in me with feminine energies I’ve honed for so long now, I will get on the train of possibility – travelling and exploring this new country before me!
Thursday evening we received the application form for the coaching opportunity. This included listing the training and experience that indicated our preparedness for this role. With my intention from my dream fresh in my mind, I was delighted to find I had no problem articulating this – if anything it was hard to fit everything I wanted to say into the few words allowed on the form! All was fine until I came to the question – how much time are you willing to commit to here?
This question triggered my old fear of there being not enough me (resources of time, energy) to do this AND be in relationship with my Beloved – for those of you who don’t know, we’d just become engaged a few weeks ago, and there are lots of questions for us to be addressing! The temptation to play safe (and smaller) showed up again! In retrospect, I was once again falling into that old pattern of feeling ‘not ready’ – of bringing my ‘old baggage’ along with me.
So I called my fiance Bruce, naming for him both the strength, and the vulnerability I was feeling, and sharing with him both my fears and my dreams. I continue to be thankful for his partnership. In his response I felt both supported and called out. He said “I get this may be a stretch, AND I am confident our relationship is strong enough to handle whatever might be required here. If you choose to do this and find it’s not what you want, next time you can choose differently, but then you’ll be choosing from preference, not from scarcity.” Wise words.
He then went on to support me in clearing my energy. “Really connect to your Source, be in the energy of that connection” he said, “and I’ll support you in clearing what’s blocking your chakras.” He could ‘see/feel’ the containment in my willingness to put my voice out there fully expressing myself and to clearly see what that might look like. Ahhhh! The joy of a partner who both has my back and takes a stand for my full expression!
And from that wide open, space I submitted my application which I ended by saying “I LOVE the feeling of being a pioneer – on the cutting edge of human development. In this work, and the evolutionary community of support we are co-creating I feel both ‘at home’ and a pioneer – accepted as I am now, and called into who I am becoming. This is the same feeling I have in my relationship with my Beloved, and it is exciting for me to have the same sense in my professional community! I am thankful for the juxtaposition of my finally feeling ready and this moment of opportunity.”
I felt I was freely stepping into the fulfillment of my yearning – my dream of who I’m called to be. Fully recognizing that the decision as to whether this coaching was to be the ‘train I was to travel on’ was not mine to make, but I WAS now ready – free to travel and explore!
Postscript – Friday morning, I wrote the outline for this blog. Saturday evening, I received a call saying I was one of the Coaches chosen for this work. Today (Monday) we had our first call of this new course. I am SO excited to share this journey – both with my fellow coaches (as always deepening our own learning) and with the participants for whom we are holding space for the powerful fulfillment of their intentions. AND, I am thankful for the many gifts in my life – the learning and growth I’ve done myself this last year with Katherine and Claire, along with the support of many (too many to name here!) have together created this space in which I stand today.