The timing of creating this blog is a first for me – I’m writing on Thursday – ahead of the date I plan to post this! Until now I’ve been writing on the day of posting, but this weekend I’ll be on the team supporting a HAI workshop in Michigan, and leaving from there for Toronto where I’ll have some time visiting friends and family, as well as helping my daughter move. Yes, the daughter I wrote of last blog who through her “Mummy, I need a snuggle” request became my teacher in stopping. She’s in the last year of her co-op Recreation Therapy program and is moving back to University of Waterloo from her work term for her next stint at school. At least this time it’s only the short move from Hamilton to Waterloo!
Those of you who’ve been following these blogs, and/or joining me on my At Home calls, know my clear intention that both of these be spaces in which we share and support each other as we expand our capacities for freely choosing our responses to life. What may not yet be so overtly clear is the acknowledgement that this commitment does not necessarily translate into a journey with a smoothly expansive trajectory!
Soooo, with all this travel coming up I’ve had lots on my “To do” list. AND, I’ve been doing a great job of checking things off the list … BUT … not such a good job of responding to what I’ve been noticing happening in me as I motor on through. To be clear, these are all things I’m excited about or really want to do, so I’ve not been feeling weighed down by the list, nor have I been feeling overwhelmed.
However I’d been up late Monday evening and by Tuesday night was feeling exhausted. Supported by Bruce both practically and energetically, I went to bed early thinking “Some days are just like this.” Yesterday I woke feeling refreshed and ready to go. And go I did. It was after 1:00 this morning when I fell into bed – again feeling satisfied with what I’d accomplished, but wiped. As I fell asleep, I was aware that a major item still on my list was writing this eNews, but the theme for it remained unclear and elusive!
When I woke this morning, the ‘answer’ was right there – I recognized that an old pattern of overextending myself was again in play, and was faced with the sobering reminder that sometimes transformation requires more than an ‘aha!’ moment.
My Attentional Living model came to mind. This was NOT a moment for wasting energy in judging or berating myself. Instead, it was an invitation to notice and accept what was happening, and wonder about what it would look like for me to nurture my relationship with myself right here.
Given that the part of me who feels she needs to ‘do it all’ in a (sometimes not so) covert attempt to prove she’s enough had been activated, what would I discover if I connected with her and, in a fiercely loving way, compassionately listen to what was happening for her?
In attending to my relationship with myself in this way, I recognized this pattern also touched on my relationship with both Life itself and with others. In my rushing around, I’d lost touch with the deep knowing that I am supported by Life, and that I DON’T have to do it all myself. I re-membered that when I don’t expect them to be mind-readers and am willing to ask, those precious people I’m in relationship with DO care and will support me as they can.
From this tender place, asking for support was a stretch, but today, that’s what fiercely loving and nurturing me looked like. And my beloved was absolutely there to support me – among other things helping prepare the house for my being away, picking up my car which was being serviced, even mailing a package (which meant standing in line at the post office – something he really doesn’t like to do!)
BTW, this photo was taken on our first anniversary – almost a year ago – a day when he drove 14 hours to spend 12 hours with me!
And with my requests being received in that way, my old pattern of believing ‘it’s all up to me’ was further transformed, and the deeper truth that I AM supported, more clearly etched in my being.
Engaging the practice of exploring at the edges of our consciousness like this isn’t always fun, but for me (and I’m guessing if you’re reading this for you too) the freedom and expansiveness that results IS ALWAYS worth it.
What DO you think?! I’d love to hear your thoughts on these ideas, and your own experiences in the practice of stopping to smell the roses.