Gestation has a pace and rhythm of its own, and as much as we can feel a birthing near, the moment can still catch us off-guard! I experienced this recently – not in the literal human sense, but in the ‘birthing’ of a program introducing the opening of possibility and perspectives available to those committed to Realizing RICH Relationships in their lives.
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| The first ‘baby picture’! What “Discovering Treasures Hidden in Plain Sight” looked like as it was birthed out of me onto a huge piece of paper. |
The photo here is of the first iteration of this work as it poured out of me. Even though the details aren’t clear, it’s obvious there’s lots of ‘growing up’ to be done before this image is actually a ‘program’! I’m deeply thankful for those who have supported me through this period. Their love and presence has been a source of encouragement as I step into this bigger space of authentic presence. AND, last weekend, I was aware of a growing sense of anxiety. One that felt very familiar to me.
Perhaps because of the juxtaposition of this birthing with the 35th Birthday celebration of my first baby boy, the memories of the terror I felt after he was born came flooding back.
What if he gets really upset and I can’t comfort him?! How will I know what he needs?! I feared the judgment (of myself and others) that I wasn’t a competent, nevermind good, mother! How will I handle all this extra responsibility along with everything else that’s kept my life full up until now?! This and more roiled through me – 35 years ago, and now.
Only with this ‘birthing’, in addition to all those worries, given that the working title of this course is “Discovering Treasures Hidden in Plain Sight”, and, in service to opening up possibility and perspectives in Realizing RICH Relationships, challenges some of our implicitly held assumptions, I also felt afraid of being controversial. Do I really want to do this? Maybe this isn’t the way to go … these and other thoughts crept in.
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| The Cycle of Learning and Growing – you can find this and my other models on my website here. |
Thankfully these days, I much more quickly notice myself sliding down that cone and into the drama of the ‘poor me, I can’t …’ victim space of the Cycle of Learning and Growing. And I have more practices to nurture me back into greater expansiveness of possibility and freedom in choosing my responses to the situations in which I find myself.
Actually, one of the first things I did when I realized my fear of evoking controversy was to go back and read my last eNews article just below – I really do engage these practices I share with you!
As I read the article, that anxious part of me was soothed. I recognized that everything I was proposing was an expression of the deep desires I stand for co-creating more of in our world, and that I was committed to offering this in ways that were in alignment with the R-I-C-H way of being.
However, a couple days later, I noticed another not very pretty (or R-I-C-H!) pattern showing up in my relationship with my husband. I realized I was experiencing a sense of desperation to FEEL loved. This wasn’t to BE loved, I’m clear I’m loved by him and many others – this was to have that yummy FEELING in my body of being loved. As wonderful as that feeling is, and as lovely as it is to experience it in relationship, the deep and painful truth of being human is that we can’t expect to always be in a place to get that from – or give it to – another, and to the extent that we do expectthat, we give the other the power to determine how we’re feeling.
I truly didn’t know how to respond to that part of me that felt so desperate. The one thing I DID know was that I wouldn’t promise that younger part of me something I knew was neither desirable (the giving away of my power) or possible (to experience the feeling of love from another in every moment).Thankfully I had a peer coaching session scheduled (yes, we coaches do have coaches!) As we engaged the exploration together, she suggested I follow the path of the energy from that aching point in my core to wherever it took me. I’ve been wondering how to share what was a profound and wordless journey. The best I can do right now is to say that I ended up floating in what to me felt like a vast “Sea of Love” that exists beyond time, and both Sources, surrounds, and sustains all of life.
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| Celebrating my first ‘baby’s’ 35th birthday last week. |
This was a powerful, mystical and yet entirely practical experience. I not only felt a sense of peace in that moment, I also could feel in my body the ‘path’ on which I got there. Over the days that have followed, and through some pretty challenging experiences I’ve been able to go back there and re-experience being held in that love – no matter what was happening around me.
This has given me an extraordinary sense of freedom and possibility, that has expanded both my willingness and my capacity to simply stand in my life – knowing in my bones that my existence is sustained by that Sea of Love. Definitely a kind of ‘birthday’ worth celebrating!
So I’m excited about what’s unfolding! There’s still lots that’s not clear, but if you’re curious and feel any desire to be part of the on-going co-creation of this program, please let me know!